Smart Shelter's Snake Oil Series is the leftover from yet another failed pyramid marketing scheme.. Amazing how corporate capitalism leaves us invariably with the lowest common denominator in an era when we desperately need solutions producing the highest attainable standard. Go figure.

Besides...who would ever believe all the ridiculous claims for the benefits of this product anyway...hence the name "Snake Oil"....and... it's free..(unless you're in to big a hurry to make it yourself and buy it from an E.I. or the natural foods store in Western Colorado

This faintly pine-scented yellow creamy paste is formulated from simple poignant ingredients in a carefully guarded trade secret blend known only to the E.I. Land Stewards (see the descriptions of these characters elsewhere on this web site)....and published in detail below.

As in many if not most and perhaps all of the E.I. Standard products, the intent of this one is to formulate a simple, versatile product which produces no toxic reaction in high-sensitivity E.I.'s (those with chemically allergic immune systems).

The best assurance attainable in terms of the integrity of materials (which is about zip in the corporate chemical sector) and the possibility of reaction (both for those of us who are E.I.s and those smart enough to know the need for avoiding becoming one by de-chemicalizing their lifestyles now) is to acquire products made and tested by the E.I. community itself. It if gets by a hypertensive putz in its manufacture, chances are, it will get by you.

Nobody knows why Snake Oil Formula 451 actually does all the things we claim it will do (and, by the way, it does). It's obviously a synergetic solution to the quest for a nontoxic boot cream, gun polish, stainless steel shining agent, vinyl restorer and outside tool rust inhibitor....solving not only those challenges but myriad more...all completely unexpected surprises. You can eat it too. That's the final test of fidelity of any manufacturer who claims "natural" harmless or environmentally friendly ingredients. I just dipped a finger full from a tub by the laptop and am eating a sample as this is written. If it gets finished, I guess you'll have a claim established...if not...oh, well.

451 is intended for your personal use and manufacture...if you have the time and resources, go for it. Please respect the qualification in the ingredients listing below. This formulation is intended not just for your satisfaction, but also seeks to protect the sources sustainably, ethically and in a healthy manner. Make all of it you want for yourself.

The manufacture of Formula 451 for sale is strictly limited to Sanctioned/Certified persons designated and approved by Smart Shelter. It is a patent-protected formulation and typically only authorized for sales-production to E.I. Land Stewards and graduates or students of the Smart Shelter Residency Programs. Please respect these rights for commercial manufacture. Probably the reason we have so little infringement of those rights is the volatile, vindictive and ruthless nature of the E.I.'s themselves. We won't bore you with the gruesome testimonials concerning the grisly fates of those stupid few who thought it would be cool to mess with these wounded geeks...but those who have witnessed the aftermath will attest that the violators are not likely to pull that one again.

...So here's what's in it.....

Pinion/ Pine Pitch....carefully harvested from existing porcupine scars and broken limbs of pine or pinion trees. The pitch is the natural ooze these trees exude to seal scars and breaks in their protective bark systems. It forms a sticky, bitter sap in profusion, covering, sealing and detoxing the wound. We never lacerate or violate the trees with "tapping" which we consider to be the equivalent of rape. The sap is taken only in limited amounts where it occurs in excess and in a manner that leaves the wound well protected with the covering intact. These trees produce huge excess, which often drips to other limbs, down the trunks or to the ground...where it is harvested in its "wet" or pliable state (which assures freshness). Parts of the ooze which have oxidized or hardened do not produce good salve.

The pitch is an excellent resin, which produces a hard, durable seal on drying. It also probably contains strong antioxidants which accounts for its actions on rust...both dissolving and neutralizing the oxidized surface slowly over time. Antibacterial/ anti-fungal agents are assumed to exist in the pitch given its function as a wound-healing agent for the trees.

If you get pitch on you and can't get it off (which is typical) rub the sticky area with dirt and wash with warm water...voila. Dirt is cool.

Linseed Oil...boiled...straight out of the can...straight off the hardware store shelf ...as of this writing. We're researching organic linseed and other substitute organic oils, but no pay dirt yet. Linseed is the current weak link in the process...having mixed recommendations from a number of schools regarding its use and health effects. The linseed serves as a deep penetrating "carrying" agent, allowing deep applications on wood, leather, etc.

Organic Bee's Wax...the wax produces an added resin-like seal upon curing. It also makes a satin finish in combination with the pine pitch.

Organic Coconut Oil...serves as a superior solvent for the other ingredients as well as for grime, oils, stains, dirt and rust on the treated object. Coconut oil is an excellent hand cleaner by itself...a good substitute for the toxic fragranced solvents used in commercial hand cleaners. My dad taught me commercial carpet cleaning as a youngster...the shampoo then used in industrial shampoos was coconut oil- based.

 

Preparation...it's simple...the ingredients are all mixed in approximately equal proportions and heated (if you're way cool...like we are...you use a solar oven) to about 200 degrees...producing a liquefaction of everything. Stir the mix (which should be an amber-yellow liquid) pour it into the appropriate containers and let cool. It will form a creamy yellow paste with a long shelf-life. I store it in recycled plastic yogurt and miso containers with lids...bearing the inscription: "451".

 

...Snake Oil 451's myriad uses....

Gun Polish...we begin here to scare away the ineffectual geeks. Formula 451 is not for the weak of heart...or those afraid of just wars (phenomenon we have certainly not seen of late). Put it on the barrel metal, chamber, bolt, stock, leather sling, rubber recoil pad...but not the glass on scope sights....it works for them all. Rub it on liberally...let it set in heat or sun for a day and wipe off the excess. In a couple of days, polish it dry. It retards rust on barrels with faded bluing. It's an excellent remoisturizer and finishing polish for stocks.

Wood Oil/ Finish...one to three applications will produce a deep satin patina and moisturize the cell structure...sealing the surface and cleaning off gummy buildup and most stains. Retreat once or twice a year, especially with woods experiencing durational sunlight. The wax in the polish may discolor under hot, wet coffee cups...reapply and polish to remove. 451 is very healthy for woods, especially antiques. Great for restoring antique faded bamboo fly rods..

Boot/Shoe Dressing...this is where its formulation actually started. It will deeply penetrate and restore dried and cracked shoes. The linseed keeps leather plyable...the resins seal it. It will darken the color. Works on all leather products.

Chapped Skin...dry lips, parched noses, split cuticles, chaffed feet, raw spots, scrapes.

Vinyl Restorer...automobile dash boards, television consoles, arm rests, consoles, fake leather boxes, steering wheels, upholstery, plastic utensil handles, brief cases, computers, any synthetic product faded or dirty...make them look like new quick..and they will stay that way for quite a while.

Rubber Restorer...it won't cure weathered, cracked and deteriorating rubber, but it will make it look like it has until you can give the disaster away or sell it to the unsuspecting.

Stainless Steel Pots and Pans...quick cure for tarnish and spots..produces a luster...rub on and place over moderate heat to dry...then polish.

Cast iron cookware/skillet coating...rub it on...rusted or not...season over stove heat...may smoke as it burns off if you get it too hot...prevents rust.

Black Enamel Kitchenware...seals rust on chipped spots, restores color and depth.

Tool Coating...not only seals, lubricates and protects wrenches, pliers, hammers, shovels (spade and handles both) and lawn gear...but will also dissolve rust over time that's already there...and with about three coats, will protect them from rain and rust. Note...severe rust can be removed non-toxically by soaking tools in vinegar and water then brushing with a plastic brush...followed by heating of the tool and application of 451....which is then baked (direct sunlight does nicely) and polished/rubbed. By applying excess and then heating permanent seal and lubrication of ratchets, swivel wrenches, crescent wrenches, pipe wrenches, pliers and tin snips is achieved as the 451 penetrates the moving parts, sealing and lubricating them. I baked three coats of 451 on a single jack sledge hammer wood handle and head left intentionally out in the elements. Three weeks of solid rain hasn't rusted it. Great way to end a lawn season is to vinegar the rust off everything, sharpen it up and bake on a coat of 451...keeps you out of the bars too.

General Rust Remover....there appear to be two stages of rust encountered on metal objects...the first stage is a bright orange/brown/red and will removed (desolve) with direct application of 451 or application followed by some time before buffing it off. This primary rust is typical of objects soaked in the vinegar de-rusting agent mentioned above. If the objects aren't coated immediately, they will develop primary rust quickly..which is not a problem, just coat and buff it off with snake oil. The deeper dark brown seasoned stage of rust characterized by tools left for years in the weather is much more tenacious and appears right at the boundary of Snake oil's capabilities. Repetitive applications and rubbing have eventually restored some objects, but the time effective method is to vinegar soak, rinse and treat. It may be that rust proceeds into deeper stages of oxidation or combination with the oxides of other elements in going from the fragile primary rust to the deep dark reaches of true seasoned weathering. Very little seems to survive the vinegar bath. Some attempts at suspending the vinegar in coconut oil for application on car body rust spots as a deoxidizer have produced less than successful results. Probably needs a colloidal suspension matrix to work...but a salve you could apply to your old clunker's wounds and then wipe away the rust in days followed by snake oil's protective film would be a died and gone to heaven blessing for those of us incensed by the prices of body work, new cars and the toxic fragrances now permanently installed in their vinyl dashboards thanks to the fragrance industry managing to deregulate itself from the consumer protection agencies most of us still mistakenly think are protecting our health.

Stone/ Masonry Sealant...don't think so???...try it. Preliminary trials on small sandstone pieces (interior decoration) shows a deepening of colors, sometimes a darkening, very absorbent, probably requiring several applications if a seal is desired due to the penetrating character of the snake oil.

Jewelry polish/ restorer/protector...rings, necklaces, bracelets...apply a liberal coat, bake it hot and polish off the excess...restores patina and prevents oxidation...restore depth and luster to many stone settings.

Pottery/ Ceramics Polish...stoneware mugs, pottery plates and bowls, thrown vessels, ladles, etc.

Music Instrument Polish...do a test patch first...the oils may affect instrument tone, but the penetration is good for wood health and the resins produce a beautiful seal coat. Great polish for guitar cases too.

Battery Terminals and Cables...in fact...the whole battery...remove the car battery...place it on a place that can take some wet staining, clean the battery with a paint brush and mild baking soda/water solution. Wire brush the terminal bright..coat with 451...in fact, polish the whole battery with it...looks like new...reapply the cables (after soda cleaning and brushing) then coat the connectors with 451 too...prevents reoxidatation n.

Engine Coverings and Engine well...Polish the valve covers, air cleaner, outboard parts as well as the cleaned metal in the engine compartment for show/ sale or just to feel better about your consumer habits and global warming....the buy something you can run on biodiesel.

Stove/ Kitchen Appliances...the coconut oil is a great solvent for splotches and stains on ranges, dish washers, microwaves, etc.

Small Yapping Chihuahuas...for this application we recommend immersing the entire animal in a vat of 451 and hammering down the cover.

Hard Bound Book Covers...rub lightly to restore color and pliability...do not over apply...the oils can penetrate paper and produce stains.

Cabinet Doors/ Handles...light coating to restore, clean and seal...brightens patina in handles

Wood Stove...restores color and helps reduce stains...overapplication may produce smoke on burnoff.

Art Objects...works as excellent "patina" finish for wood, stone, metal pieces...can be heated to liquid and brush applied for finishes.

Barbeques...helps clean and restore patio ware...glopp it on good, let it set, wipe off, reapply for deep cleaning...sunbake and polish when dry

Picture Frames...metal, wood or plastic

Collector Coins...

Chess Sets...

Burn Ointment...(note ...this is not a medical recommendation or claim, but the recounting of a personal experienced...use at your own risk). A second degree burn from a hot stove was coated with 451 immediately and 4-5 times a day producing a non-scarring heal in two weeks without blistering and pealing and substantially without pain from the wound. Apparently it moisturizes the wound preventing drying and cracking. Antibacterial effects of the pinion pitch (this is, after all, the substance the tree uses to seal and heal its own wounds) bears investigation...we don't know. I would try it again in a heart beat.

Cork...handles on antique bamboo fly rods bleached from years of neglect were revitalized with two to three coats.

Pipe Joint Compound...smear it on the threads of metal, plastic pipes and fit them together...lubicates the assembly, stays pliable and removeable, but resists moisture flow through the threads

Ant Repellant...ants invade along tracks laid down by "explorer ants" who discover routes and food sources...by watching the ants you can discover what they're doing...why...and where they come and go. Repellant strategy includes interupting paths...smear a little Snake Oil across the path and watch how it baffles them. You can chase them back to the penetrations in your living structure they've turned into highways. To plug the hole, mix a still round of snakeoil...maybe even just the wax and pitch (heated) and use as a crack filler to seal the hole with something they won't mess with. Of course, you could just get a commercial pesticide ant trap and breathe the fumes and spread its introduction into the biosphere...go ahead, if that's the best your IQ can support...we need the population reduction and would just as soon it did come from the bottom end of the intelligence spectrum.

(I'm still eating this stuff...must be an acquired taste, huh?)

 

....If you find more uses...send them along...good luck

Note: 451 is not recommended as a good sex lubricant...for that, use straight organic coconut oil....enjoy.

Smart Shelter is a member of the ZTC (Zero Tolerance Coalition) which seeks to purge the entire state of ATV's, dirt bikes, jet skis, snowmobiles and motorized hang gliders...the coalition is comprised of ranchers, farmers, remote property owners, public lands managers, environmentalists, wildlife conservationists, hunters, fishermen and bird watchers who have had enough of these criminal goons. If we catch any motor heads using 451 on their "trash" vehicles...they will be exported to a planet more conducive to criminal ransacking than this one.